morning shitfs in positivity

its’ reasy to dwell on the negatives or the things that you lack in life. i have for some time been bogged down, i felt a bit directionless, i feel that things that i used to like dont hold value anymore, that my skills and abilities as a person were useless pointless and unable to help me. i feel things changing for the better now that i have been grounded now for 3 months in a share. the covid time has been spent dealing with inner frustrations, angsty thoughts that i somehow was losing time, wasting opportunities, and reminding myself more of what i lack than what i have.

this morning was a breathe of fresh air, music that id liked since a teenager sent me back to a time when life was simpler, where inspiration abounded and dreams were something to persue. but it came after a night of light sleep and dark thoughts, thoughts of killing those i loved and cremating them with a disguised malace, of dirty habits, of deciding to let those with darkness infiltrate the beauty of being.. but upon awaking this morning it was as if those things thoughts from my lucid dreams no longer had any power or place in my present.

Often we look at what we lack. In my case, I don’t have a life partner and haven’t had any lengthy intimate relationships at all. I’m 32. It’s not that I avoid this, or that I have a fear of commitment, althought I have for a while questioned it. I, in recent times have been wanting this, someone to embark on a project/journey, somehow to give me some purpose and direction. This is a misplaced feeling. I have focused too much on what I fear in life than what I have right now, fears that nothing will change and I will disintegrate into a loveless partnerless person passing life without sharing what I want to, the fear of being alone and not growing, the fear of letting the negative and darkness of my past consume me. Then I realised I hadn’t given myself the time to reflect on what it is that I am. And by reflection I mean letting the quiet in so you can return to the beautiful light that each one of us is… that each of us have since our nascent entry into this life have the gift of sharing and inspiring, and encouraging others and ourselves to be.

In those moments you can retap into your essence. I now know that I will share my passions, because I already have done so in the past. That my capicity to love and desire will grow not just with one but many. I just have to let those things flourish in myself and cultivate it day by day regardless of who is around, or the balance of negative and positive ions. It is easy for myself to be bogged down in others thoughts, ideas and moods at the same time forgetting about those anchors, those wayfairers, those light beings that have crossed my path that have already given the resources and tools to deal with those challenges.

I want to thank all the women in my life, on a simple reflection they have offered a levity of thinking and laughter along the way. The best is always ahead of us and its in the moments of peace with the present, thankful for your body, its extension as a vehicle to adventure and purpose that we can feel the rewards of our achievements. In the darkness i know it is to take stock, to tap into those elements of fear and anguish that come as a consequence of self discovery. they have bought challenges and hard times, something that in lighter mornings can be reminded as the backbone of resilience.

Acceptance and validation are important to me, I often use facebook for this end, it is an act of reminding oneself that the path is ok, that things are the same. It can be good to remind ourselves of the path that we naturally have gravitated to, not the normative competition of how we could value ourselves. The answers are inside us, and the tools are just waiting to be used.

I want needs to be replaced with the phrase there is, i find this difficult in our capitalist conditioned society but it is a small mantra that I feel will produce shifts in another aspect of my life, the feeling of satisfaction with right now.

Moments of bliss are worth more than anything, it is indeed in those moments that we feel satisfied with what is, regardless of what it is.

I am duly thankful for todays insights, feelings and moments. i am thankful for the gift of light, the energy of the sun and what it means to be alive, so I felt like sharing. I want to empower my feelings of creation, tap into my passion so I can be a better and fully equipped sharer or what is…

re-working, re-tracing, re-tracking…

it’s been = its bin = ich bin = ing ing.

the seal, to seal, tesal, tezzzzzeta…

je voudrais ecrire quelque chose en francais, comme je vive maintenant avec une femme francaise. c’est ok, un peu maladroit, bizarre. c’est un revolt ou un rembobinage de temps passe..

i have two jobs. one at a pub the other at a factory. the factory work is on one hand charaterised by slaves from the subcontinent working for the minimum wage. the pub work is award wages but washing dishes can be a little strenuous at times, and involves a lot of lifting that can be damaging for the muscles in the back. ieeeeee

.. and im still lviing in brunswick, it feels a bit tired to still be living here, ive been here for whats been almost 3 years. i miss the darebin creek and living in thornbury, more space, more greenery and more birds to enjoy. i still miss the density of european cities, the older architectural styles, the history of that place and the parks there. at the same time we have incredible forests here and the silver birch out the back of melborune are equally stunning.

out and abouts during these times… cinemas, saunas, backyards, dinners, healthy strolls with friends. the linearity of the city is ok, although its familiarity doesnt deliver on the spontaneity of living in more densly urbanised spaces. also the potential to cross paths with new folk isnt as rich as those cities of europe.

living with a brazilian rekindles my love for brazilian music and people. but it also puts into focus a project to edit this interest.

i would like a new record player and speakers.. thats all. perhaps an amp to plug in phone and laptop. otherwise its just money i need to pay off folks and get a new passport.

travel isnt likely in the near future, although nz could be ok. otherwise its just get laid and have lots of booty, draw some pictures, do some baking…

codeakt vapor

New corners, New movements

and with it comes new habits..

I have turned into a codeakt vapour, selecting flavours and ideas based on the feelings I am having. Emotional flavourism rather than favoritism. I simply dissect a flavour and code it to my feelings i link to it. it started in Sydney, I started being immersed in it by friends, but no peer pressure, then boredom crept in, too much sight for same old same old. I also fidget to the point of frustration, well its just a loose nerve… or antsy feelings that might border on mental illness? or is it frantic typing. Anyway, then there was smoking, from bidis in india to dirt cheap ciggies in japan, I needed to ween myself off because I really noticed it wrecking my sense of taste, dryness of mouth in the mornings and something to do to kill time.

back tracking the flavours and some of my thoughtS:

blackberry ice – cool berry flavours that remind me of cold autumn days and being a selective picker, then i think of the blackberry phone craze in mexico back in the 2000s when i was traveling there, it seemed like everyone owned one, long before the iphone came into being.

red wine – old chats and vigorous conversation in data and its nuances.

canteloupe – to like this flavour or not. some find it disgusting.. its bland taste. Sometimes it can be quite juicy. Mixed with nicotine it didnt have much flavour i found…

apple – more dry and nicotine based than the flavours and sensations of a juicy apple.

aloe grape – from times back in leipzig, the toilet cover had a picture of aloe on it. so it was just smoke past memories.. sometimes i feel like my life is going around in circles.. defeat the cycle..

banana – next time id get the ice flavour

mango – living with those writing phd? mr mate in malaysia ewan, phd chemist went by the nickname of mango, so maybe its an azssociation i have with the fruit.

lychee – love it or hate the white fiborous milk coloured tropical jelly like fruit..

pineapple –

32 and seeding positivity for the new year of 2021

Its the end of the year 2020. Year of the coronavirus, year of some more intrepid traveling by thumb and spontaneity, year of some shit decisions along with good decisions. I’m learning how to be a smooth operator, a multilingual traveler with a pancultural and ecological state of mind. I see myself saying goodbye to mental health episodes in hospital and have some knowledge to steer clear of the system. At home mostly this year I plan on building up my networks of friends, doing an online course, hopefully securing some either temp work, perhaps some english teaching online and volunteering such as woofing in the local area. This will help me pay my parents off, pay for a new passport and set my horizons on future travels and endeavours.

cursing at the joints.

Im trying to back track a year of yarndee and thoughts on it.

Sri Lanka.

The yarndi in sri lanka is a brown colour and it seemed to be easy to find enough in the street as long as you were in the right area. I picked some up in Negombo, the first place I visited which lies next to Sri Lankas main airport. The fisherman there were friendly enough as were the pakistanis on the beach.

The next place Id score would be in Kandi, an inland city with a beautiful lake and temple. I am not that big on temples (even though for Asia its why most people visit), but the lake, restaurants and tuk tuk drivers were very friendly, one offering me a night in his home. the weed here wasnt as good as negombo, but anyway.

Hikkadua was a great spot to sit and smoke at a place aptly named ‘the joint’, and the dub they played there soothed the vibes as well as the crashing of waves on the sand. Anyway the bartenders there had it on provision so you didn’t need to think of where and how..

India.

For the most part I was in Goa smoking all sorts of things. there was a nice group of campers in mt abu, even saw a shooting star. Then there was some high times in Rishikesh with an American ditzy girl I met there.. those were some nice evenings strolling along the Ganges river, people watching from the walkways, sneezing a lot of gunk after the pollution of Delhi and eating mandarins in the morning times.

Nepal.

There were a few occasions, some guys at the border town/a farmer in the high himalayas and a moment with some guys one morning in Pohkara which made for a nice morning walk.

Dubai

Dry and nothing in those suburban desert wastelands

Thailand

A bar in a small town on the way to Chiang Rai provided some interesting night walking. It seemed like a dogs bar but the locals were kind and even shouted me a beer. I felt grateful.

Japan.

In the five months in Japan I perhaps got high three times. Once with some street guys in sapporo, that I met at the central park where the skaters congregated. Another time with a guy I walked home with, we listened some vinyl and got higher in the bathroom. Then once more with an Aussie guy in his house out of the back of Niseko, which led to a fearful night ride home where I freaked out on a fox that I spotted near me in the stillness with a plastic bag in its mouth.

Sydney

I’ve been in Sydney since August2. I have been in hospital and I think I smoked once with a guy who smuggled one in, although it was mostly tabac. Once out I have been sourcing from the homeless who I now am temporarily living with under a bridge in the wentworth park. I have my moments there and also around town getting higher, sometimes off of cones.

Ramblings from under the bridge.

It’s been a few weeks now that I’ve been voluntarily living under the bridge. I couldn’t bare the thought of continuing on paying 180 a week to live in a boarding house that made me feel bored and lifeless with everything. I still battle my nervous grip on a nihilistic fate that at times distances me with the idea of what I want for myself and what I have at that moment for myself. The ideas that in life you need be working towards, fulfilling, driving at your goals, building up a website or something tech oriented fill me with a bit of miss with myself.

I once remember someone telling me that I needed a system. My thoughts were unsure at that point what that met but I carried on with my row row row your boat sort of rhythm of life and waited on the things coming to pass. Thing is they didn’t so I find it best to remove the burdens I had on myself and carry on as if the next thing was, is and will be the only thing that mattered.

Back to the bridge ..

So it was back in early release from hospital days that I had gone to recommune with my older Brazilian sailor friend cynthia in darling harbor. We had shared some indian food and some chats with another sailor lady who was planning to row the length of the pacific in a small paddle boat. It was a hi tech paddle boat at that but anyway, in this same day I said good bye to cynthia and was passing on my way home by this bridge. I stopped to chat to some of the people tenting at the base. They were a samoan girl, for a while no name, then she saved her name in my phone as Those (toezay) and then I heard others mention her as ghost then another night we got high and did a naming session where me, her and this other Zimbabwean guy also living under the bridge, each assigned initials as name, then she was 22, then she was tutu, or something like that.

Anyway, the complexity of names aside, she has become my new roommate although under the bridge were just looking out for eachother. I like her because she isn’t trying anything, she sits and spends her time folding her clothes and just chatting up stories of others in the area camping, or her boyfriend George, although they hardly now hang out, after having a series of fights.

ANd then to Melbourne..

from there only the road knows

are you sockets schitz?

its been a few weird weeks. Again, I see myself cast into the world of mental health and its endless wait times, numerous meetings, tribunal hearings, arguments with doctors and alike. The inside world of the ward insulates from the trappings of that outside world and creates the conditions to reflect on what I’ve done this year, how far I’ve come and hints to whats around the corner. I feel positive and optimistic but do have somethings on my mind..

I don’t know how to feel about schizophrenia, from loose understandings online and from doctors I am aware it can mean you hear voices or your thoughts appear or sound disorganised. I don’t know what episodes entail in full or how they come about although I’ve become aware of my triggers. Everyone has triggers that may or may not set off the nervous system in undesired ways producing an onset of stress and anxiety. In my experience, this has come from those who already hold relations of care, such as ones of kin; family. Only on one other instance have I been admitted by a doctor for having had an episode, which had followed a night on drugs which I admitted to. As for the other encounters, what I  didn’t appreciate was alarm that sought intervention without my consent, I find this to frustrate my condition and has no respect for my own treatment pathway or open discussion to the root cause of the illness.

Additionally, I want to discuss the background angle of family ideology, such as my family’s christian bias which has lead to false alarm and unwarranted intervention on my freedoms as someone in the mental health system. In my experience I have witnessed a set of events or experiences place my version or experience of my episodes on the back burners, where my version of events is conditional, secondary in favor of the opinions held by those of doctors or other specialists in the field. The inherent christian bias as I understand can be construed as a type of Jesus like care, in a mainstream light, but within the context of the family it can be a means of control and castigation for not holding hetero-normative christian values or to prejudice other subjective views I have on art, life, body and society that are not accepted with members of kin.

As for the mental health ward its interesting place and a mind numbing place at times  exacerbated without access to things like technology or literature that otherwise would help entertain you or help the time pass. I found myself becoming like a mindless zombie walking up and down the corridors in an effort to stave off unwanted fat from the meals I was ingesting and to numb the hours ticking over. From Serbian ice users to dysphoric cutesy girls to ninny screaming nanny types its a complex world of connecting whilst inside the walls of mental health. First, there isn’t any guaranteed bonds of solidarity with other in patients, given the complexity of mental states and patients in a flux of come and go. Therefore whats the point of building up small bonds with others in a place that no-one wants to be or remember being in.

This is my third emission. From my initial spat at Apollo Bay with my parents to the second spat with my mental health worker to my last spat with with my brother in the airport. All tend to be linked to a feeling of either discontent, or paralysis. The first time it was my refusal to return home, I am happy running my own life. Second time, it was who got the better judgement, this time around its just gossipy hearsay as to how I am coping, exacerbated by not having money or a means to get by. Am I to blame for this, in part yes but if you are seriously worried about me, dont mention to the mental health board… bring it up with me personally. I dont want to be the victim of gossip so prevalent with those stigmatized for having so called mental health problems.

I am awaiting discharge, its been over a month and could last a few weeks. I am frustrated that these admissions seem to go on for ever without a date in sight. The hospital environment whilst sterile clean and satisfying, is monotonous soul destroying and repetitious.

I am lucky at the moment that I have been moved to a ward where I can listen as much psy trance as I want and write smatterings of discontent online, but this is just the end of a period or frustration and isolation.

Thanks for reading.

 

somnambulant

somewhere on a pathway, I stop. it’s a tree or a bush delicately blanketed with crisp rain drops adorning the outwardly stretching foliage, the space around it a chance to breathe and cease thinking, if only for a brief few seconds. is it the state of the world, the rhythm of the garden, the prison of my thinking or the endlessly space out to the horizon. this either capsizes my mind or extends it out into new patterns and links, to persevere, to be content, to find new ways of marvelling in the infinity of green, the passage of blue or the intricacy of interwoven detail of our universe.

its been now six months since coming off the streets and soundscapes of Germany, the world and wonder of berlin; an inspiring place to remember the simple, to celebrate in the sounds of nature. A domain to explore and enjoy the many streams of thinking and feeling that beckon on some of its perpendicular and rectilinear streets. Now I feel strung between two worlds, one that explored an urbanised pattern to one of seclusion and isolation back in the forest of my imagination. Allowing this to be the time that it is counts as one of the smaller irritations I feel. There is the could be and what if world as one that is always there waiting, little episodes that last not long and bring the pain of detachment and discontentedness. I am in my own battle to stave them off.

In and out of routine, learning to enjoy time rather than fill time comes as a struggle to me as I seek to make something for myself, itself an illusion of grandure, of becoming something when it is something we already are. I learn that there is no presence like now and that the signs of nature are all there to bring us close to it. The world of distance seems pointless as it offers the same, but it also offers the idea or thought that something better or more exciting lays beyond us, that it is problem of reach or grasp that debilitates me as I ponder through the present. It is a lie to my known happiness and at war with the simplicity of being.

To button up colour or just to express it in its raw terms, the or’s in awe do lead the mind far, do they help us coinhabit the present with all the other still and sublime forms?

 

 

 

 

のですyo-ちど/u?

i have been in japan for a month and a half. the same feelings play out with new visual stimuli, new spatial awareness. i am alive in the only perfection known to us as this very moment.

efficient organisation, social formatization, systemic vibrations… around the (money) traps in tokyo, concrete forms escape into natural light, fade with the hazy polluted greys that brin dusk to the days, neon rays iluminate waterways, night empties the streets, spontaneous entrances stairways, up and down elevation brings me in and out of doorways.. you never know what awaits, feelings a pace, conscious of the ways that the cosmos operates, seems like, hears, turns, faces the music in the place.

staying positive despite everything aroudnd me screaming race, yet my institution is my intuition, fuses this transition, away from the norms guarding human self expression. learn the lessons, share and mention, in mind and body, cosmic progression.

jetsz

we are controlled by US(,) from space (.) everything is possible

do you read the above sentence forwards or backwards. do you stop some places to consider, question truth, imagine, feel along the way…eye via, j, ar (ahh)

 

random conversations

committee of the mind, you been in overdrive, high on all the life, darting around, running rife. but here deep within the essence, the soul flutters sublime, in balance, in presence..

 

conversation 1; end the racket, reduce the thoughts, there’s always something new, a future vision with a crew. Now focus your gaze, relax your mind, all the things you will find, let it all unwind.

i want to show compassion rather than seek to remedy or rationalise that which lies outside immediate understanding.

conversation 2; there’s lots of energy, ideas and projects to explore, perhaps the excitement speedens and quickens the notion of more. On one hand lies the spring of youth and temptation, the other of measured action and pensive reflecton.. well, what is inside will be made manifest and clear, this timeless free space continuum is what we can hear

money come money go, i would prefer to just go with the flow. life is river, is constantly reinvigorating itself, the secret to moments is that they are just simply felt

conversation 3; been there done that, but who knows?, now outside the limits of my comfort zone the whisper of new connections and places to explore is how i am grown.

magic is everywhere, the universe is limitless, the how of the vortex is infinite, feel sense and synthesize with the elements

conversation 4; the horizon, the places and spaces between you and me. i send you my love, all the positive vibration, illustrative magic in a body sensation. the realities of new and old, near and far, form the base of community, soul expression, journey extension..

follow your dreams, listen to your heart, put your mind to it, its a tool. draw on your strengths, reflect for balance, meditate for inner peace, remember your inner child, love knows no boundaries.

 

i’ll see you in the somewhere..