Here I am in a restaurant.
And I don’t know, I’m not feeling welcome, eating a meal I didn’t really want, in a head space I don’t want to be in.
One that unsettles… in-secures me, interrupts my flow, my nature.
Menu Meal, its 10pm. I’m tired of it all, I’m winning and losing and in constant free fall.
And as parts of my life rise to even greater highs..
I recognize too these deeper lows that come as a consequence of natures equilibrium.
The type of person who..
walks into a restaurant, with most tables break from a settled in quiet chatter halt abruptly at my instant gaze.
Where the woman at the door places suspicion over my presence, where my feeling of doing the right thing once again doubts itself..
Restaurants I can never choose, it reminds me of what I lack.. a lover, a partner as something that, I don’t care about.
Restaurants are something intimately related to this coupled idea, an attribute of involvement, that in a relationship attribute – perhaps not real, just a signal by extension.
Tenho que parar de comer carne, nao faz bem.
22/12 Rome, 23/12 Rome (buy a tent, see the Madigliani exhibition)
Art shop, 1 brush, 3-4 colours.
24/12 to London (readings? party? BA provide hotel?)
17 hour layover.
When I envisage myself I first see a strong solid idea, immediately envisaging my strengths, my journeys, with a flicker of landscape to invite my memory as a guest along the way.
The forgotten forgone moments are many, cigarettes smoked immeasurable, the alcohol a more and more distant past. The smiles and laughs accompany me, as does the endless joint.
How does one think less? and is it necessary? How does it help/hinder my situation?