A repeating future, from the past
It’s as if it was a zap of electricity that got everything started. It was as if the speed things were, are and will be, would go on inevitably, indefinitely. The fire in my belly would burn a deep and dire orange, the water that could never really ever quench my thirst was forever as fast as I tumbled through it. Infinity in sparks and sprinkles, an atomised flow of millions of particles out to the regions that are possible yet never really in reach. A life of contradictions, yes, I’d live with that as I couldn’t really see it any other way. I would acknowledge the between state of existence as truth and purity, even if it would never be tenable.
It is the end of October and I am in London, in my third after party. I’m going to start there and work my way back in, why? Because the nek level moments seemed to just grow in intensity: bumpity bumper if you know what I mean. So I am in the third after party and its my thirty third nek level, its a line of k on a glass table and there are perhaps 10 southern European dudes sitting around. The silence in this company felt pretty cool. Southern Europeans in Europe, they are all things style, suave, chic. And right now this is what everyone wants to be.. Well, now watching these guys all do a line at a time at a now 1300 o’clock nek day, looks like something real rough, tough dudes, those – they do it. It really isn’t known how much they’ve done or where they’ve been or what they’re names are or who they came with or what they were wearing, or who they already know, or whatever the fuck preoccupied their decision to come to this after party. But whatever.
But now I am lost. Ok so the line of K
Down she goes and tunnels away. I hang on an hour, and thankfully everyone leaves. Down the holeeee….
I am waking up with dreams to infinity again, heavy dreams. At first it’s disorientating because I am reliving it all again. Reliving waking up as a 12 year old, lost in an infinity of space and dimensions. My brain overwhelms, heavy, deep, alone, its all a dream, but it was as if my life was already 3X heavier. It was as though the whole world and its bright colours had flashed beyond my eyes, and maybe it had drifted from the body. Now it would be to start, to become, to not be scared, but to be lost in the labyrinth of space and time away from all known possible places. Away from anything my brain could really make sense of. This continued slowly and slowly but now speeding up faster and faster. At first, my aim was to control it, which would work for some length then it would speed now even faster, but in a new direction, away from the binary position my eyes had made between where I had come from, and where I was going. Now i was disappearing from them both, but with no new point of reference. The only way I could know that would be if I could even remember where my last reference point was. I have stopped remembering! I wake up. it was all too much. 23 OR 12 that dream would be the same, only now there was more words, but no more sense.
My first thought, is this going to be my life? Well at that age the only way to make sense of dreams was to think about them, in detail, in all that they revealed. Did losing all reference point and gaining all speed mean that life was just simply akin to a shooting star..
Does losing all reference points just mean reaching that nirvana type freedom, that eventually it would set me free, it would?
But I am still at that party and now I am waking up, the Portuguese chick I had gone to the party with was still there. Sometimes I didn’t know why she hung out with me, I think she knew I was pretty odd but thought I was strange that I spoke Portuguese, and Brazilian? Portuguese. Anyway, it was what would join us as friends. That’s what I like about London, you could just go and make friends like that, that is through just knowing their language. In London you can speak Finnish, Portuguese, Spanish, French and English all in one day, at least I could. It was also a social experience in the future, of homogenization, of a so called ‘global culture’. Yes we all spoke different languages but it meant we never really got completely deep in places, or were able to find that much out about each other. But it is enjoyable to be in such diverse company, it makes me believe the future could be good, more people would have this.